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It’s absolutely amazing how much I’m getting done in the basement for my organizational project. I’m finding things from years ago. I trashed a bunch of old papers from school. I parted with a lot of baby stuff from the girls, and I’ll be going through their old clothes soon too. What really caught my attention was a stack of letters from friends/family to my husband while he was deployed to Iraq.
My husband is busy working two jobs right now, and I hijacked him last night to help me more in the basement, so I didn’t want to take anymore of his time. I sent him a quick text to ask if I could glance through them to report back what was in them to see if he wanted to save them and I was shocked at what I found after he gave me permission to read through them.
Calling someone out isn’t my intention here. This was about eight years ago and I learned a long time ago to focus on the positive and not hash out the past. It’s not worth it. I do want to leave a quick guidelines from what I’ve learned in two deployments to help people decide what to write in their letters to their friends and loved ones and the things that should best be left out. If you’d like some advice on what to write to a soldier you’ve adopted, I have some advice for you too!
What not to say to a soldier
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Why haven’t you responded?
Please do not ask your soldier for the reasons s/he hasn’t responded to your letters, emails, PM’s or any other method you are able to contact the troops. There are many reasons not to ask this, here are a couple. Your soldier may be in a Communication Blackout. This means all communication methods have been shut down for security. They may not have the ability to contact you. I know during My husband’s first deployment, they were frequently in blackout and he couldn’t contact me no matter what. Another reason is s/he may not have time. While the leaders do their best to provide breaks, soldiers first priority is their mission. Nick was working 16 hour days and often still had other obligations preventing him from getting enough rest. He was exhausted and stressed, responding to letters and emails was usually an intention he had, but could never find the time. Heck, he didn’t even respond to me half the time and I’m his wife! He felt bad enough knowing he needed to talk to people on his list, he didn’t need it pointed out to him.
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Why didn’t you spend time with me on your leave?
The down low on this one is that while some people are all about getting together with droves of friends and family on their two week leave (or even when they first get home after a year of deployment) there are some soldiers who want nothing to do with masses of people, or even just a few friends. This does not mean they don’t care about you. It does not mean they don’t want to see more of you after they decompress from a year of stress and exhaustion
Some soldiers need social time to de-stress. Other soldiers, like my husband, need quiet time away from people (sometimes even me) just to relax. This is normal reactions based on introverted and extroverted personalities. Also, there can be a lot of friends and family who are all wanting their time with their friend/family member they have been away from for a year. Giving each one individual time means the soldier doesn’t have time for himself. Please be respectful of the stress a soldier has gone through and remember it is probably not about you, if you think it is, a letter to the soldier is not the place to communicate it.
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Don’t guilt trip your soldier.
Please, please, please do not tell your soldier how much people miss them and they are doing a shoddy job paying respects back. Don’t tell them they’ve changed because they aren’t contacting you, that they don’t care because they haven’t spent time with you or responded to you. These are all attempts to guilt trip a soldier. Their focus is on their mission while they are gone and on decompressing when they are back. It’s not about you. Don’t make it about you and don’t guilt the soldier into feeling bad for these things when they have little control over it.
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Don’t blame the spouse/significant other.
I will be the first to say it. I do not control my husband’s actions. No matter how hard I try to, I don’t. I like to think he listens to me, but that’s because he agrees with me most of the time and is doing it because he wants to. There are many times I have asked him to do things, and if he doesn’t want to or doesn’t agree with it, he won’t do it. Actions of the soldier are of the soldier alone. Don’t blame the significant other for any actions the soldier does or does not take. You don’t know what is being said on the other end. Maybe the significant other is urging the solder to do things and they are not following through (because of the many reasons listed above). Maybe the significant other is not urging them, in which case it becomes the choice of the soldier to act. Either way, it all comes down to the choices the soldier makes. Do not, under any circumstances blame the spouse/significant other for actions or inactions of the soldier. Even if it were the fault of the significant other, a letter is not the place to complain about that person’s significant other.
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You’re not making an effort.
I don’t think I really need to explain why this is such a bad thing to say to a soldier. They are out there protecting your freedoms and fighting for your country. To say they are not making an effort for that reason, and every other reason I listed above is just wrong. Deployment is something the majority of citizens of this country will thankfully never have to face. Even if a soldier is not making an effort when they are home on a regular day, do not tell them this in your letter to them while they are deployed. Wait and have a face to face, serious conversation to find out what’s wrong. It could be something serious like depression or PTSD or it could just be that the relationship has drifted apart. Things like that happen, but you’ll never know until you talk it out.
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You’ve changed.
No matter how true this is, it’s best to leave this out of letters. This is actually a fairly cliche comment anyway and probably shouldn’t grace a conversation because it’s extremely vague. People do change. It’s not always a bad thing, and often it’s good. Just because someone isn’t the same person they were a decade ago, doesn’t mean they should go right back to being that person they once were. Most likely it means they’ve either grown up or taken a different path in their life. If you aren’t as close to this person as you once were, this difference in path may explain why you feel they’ve changed so much. Maybe do something to get to know the new person better to learn why they are the way they are. They obviously mean enough for you to find the need to say something about it. Or, you can forget about it and accept the change as it is. When it comes to being a soldier. In most cases, yes, they probably did change. The military will do that to you. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, it all depends on what you’ve seen and experienced.
What should you say to a soldier?
Ok, so those are some insights into what not to say to a soldier while deployed. Here are a few things you should talk about with a deployed soldier.
- What’s the weather like where you are.
- Thank you.
- What has the family been up to.
- What’s the low down on the TV show your soldier follows but can’t due to deployment? (Unless they don’t want you giving any spoilers)
- Send pictures lots and lots of pictures.
- Talk about work (unless it’s super negative, then skip that one)
- Talk about the pets.
- What have your friends been up to? (not gossip, just the good stuff)
- Be positive. There is a lot of negativity going around and your soldier does not want to be where he is, doing whatever he is doing. Keep letters positive to help get them through the day.
- Talk about a home remodeling project. If you’re like me, you’ll design something with them in mind, then lie and tell them it’s something they’ll hate.
- Tell them you miss them, and leave it at that. No guilt, just a simple I miss you. I’m sure they miss you too.
- Ask them if they need anything or want you to send anything in a care package.
- Tell them funny stories. Did you attempt to do something they normally did and it failed big time? As long as no one was hurt and the end result is 100% funny, share it. Let them know how much they are needed, but you’re making do in the meantime.
- Talk about what meal they want to eat when they get home. Most likely anything is better than military food.
- Write to them 100 reasons you love them.
You can find more creative ideas for writing to soldier inspiration on the posts Writing Letters to Soldiers: Friends and Family and Writing Letters to Soldiers: Adopted Soldier Edition.
Do you have anything to add to either list? I’d love to hear your suggestions.
Not something easy for people to write. I have many friends who were in the army and family, including my older brother. We rarely saw him and my mother was furious with him for years!
The military lifestyle is hard on everyone involved. I know we’ve had our troubles with trying to communicate with every single person and make sure everyone is getting the attention they need (not always the attention they want). I will say, our second deployment was much easier because of social media. None of us were very active on it for the first deployment, so it was hard to get information out to everyone, but the second big deployment was a lot easier. As much as I curse social media for sucking the life away from me, it is a blessing for these types of situations.
When I write my best friend over seas, I take special care to make him laugh. Our relationship is unique in that we dated for about a year, then ended up being best friends. One thing I know that he loves about me, and I about him, is our sense of humor about seemingly mundane life events. We can make each other laugh to the point of tears. So that is what I write to him. Everytime I see something on television, or on the web…or even just driving down the road that cracks me up because it reminds me of us, I jot it down. At the end of the week I send these little observations to him with our funny sense of humor mixed in. It’s just like all the nights we stayed in, cooked dinner and laughed with each other, except in the form of a letter. He loves it…..and I love being able to crack him up, even though he is in Afghanistan. Also, I sign off every letter with the phrase “Loving you all the way to Afghanistan and back-“. The first time I wrote him, I initially signed off with “sending you love all the way to Afghanistan”. Then, for some reason I added the words “and back.” It just felt right. It is a phrase that he knows describes how I feel about him, how I support his choice to serve our country, and that I will be there for him every second of that deployment until he is again sitting next to me on the couch and we are cracking up face to face.
When he told me he was shipping out, I was excited to be able to provide an anchor for him back home. It never once occurred to me that he was obligated to write me back…..ever. Not once. He is in the middle of fighting a war. Its not about ME. It’s only about giving him a sense of certainty……beyond ANY doubt…..that he has an unbreakable, unconditional lifeline connecting him back to home. Period. The only thing I asked of him was 1) at some point after he arrived to his place of deployment, that he contact my email to let me know he landed safe and that he was able to receive my emails. That’s it. The last thing people serving over seas need to hear is the “Why haven’t you written/emailed me?” line of questioning. Men (or women) don’t like being micro-managed like that when they are stateside, much less when they are deployed actively fighting a war.
I love this. I loved the end the most most people get so self focused its hard. You and your husband seem close that is really great please thank him for his service from me
Thank you Nicole! My husband and I have had our moments, and reconnection after deployment has always been a struggle for us, mainly because my life and personality made a huge shift after deployment, but we’ve worked on it and kept a strong bond. It also makes a good excuse to reconnect and start dating again so we can learn about each other all over again. I’ll pass on your gratitude to him. Thank you for stopping by!
I am seriously FLOORED. People write this stuff?! What in heaven’s name are they thinking?
I can’t imagine putting additional weight of any kind on our soldiers’ shoulders, that is in any way avoidable. Why would it not occur to people to keep it “light”? People just really don’t THINK.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, a thousand times THANK YOU to our soldiers and to those of you who give them up, and live with the worry and the added responsibility, on our behalf!
Thanks Rachel 🙂 I think “thinking” is the key. People don’t always consider the ramifications of their words and are more likely to speak their mind in any format at any time. It seems like consideration has taken a turn for the worse in this day and age. It’s just not as common to find considerate people out there as it used to be.
Yes! My in-laws (his family) wrote this stuff all the time, especially number 4, blaming the spouse (me) for his not responding to letters or visiting during leave. They make him feel guilty for every missed holiday and birthday even tho I send cards and gifts in his name.
Even worse, they write to him when someone is ill, with blow by blow descriptions of declines in health. “John is very ill, John is getting worse, John is in the hospital, John is dying.” It absolutely tortures him when he’s down range and can do nothing about the fact that his beloved uncle is dying. Then I’m left with helping him regain his composure so he can focus on his job, which has zero margin for error.
And then there are the “dear John” letters that far too many service members receive from girlfriends/wives who want to break up via email or the USPS. Absolutely cruel, and I can tell you first-hand how distracting that is to the service member, and how that distraction negatively affects the mission and unit morale.
Many people who aren’t familiar with the stressors of deployment have no ability to filter what they write.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with this! It’s mindblowing to so many people to even consider that someone would send letters like this to our troops. I wish people wouldn’t, but it’s a sad fact that it happens, which is why I wrote this post.
Yes, so true! We’ve experienced all of that. So many extended family members pride themselves on “supporting the troops,” but they’re cluelessly cruel in their interactions with both the service member and his/her SO. Especially making him (and me) feel guilty for not coming “home” enough, etc. Like, he couldn’t be home for the birth of his first child but sure, the army will make an exception and give him leave from Afghanistan so he can come to your family reunion. And also the blow by blow descriptions of declining health of an extended family member or beloved pet. They really have no clue what it’s like to experience deployments and the readjustments that are necessary with each homecoming. We’ve been caused more pain by well-meaning extended family members than any other aspect of military life.
Exactly what I was thinking!!
This is an AMAZING list!!! Not many people know how hard it can be on them while they are deployed. I think that it’s easy to get caught up in personal feelings. Thank you for putting together such great tips! I cannot thank your family enough for the sacrifices you have made.
Thanks Amanda 🙂 I don’t normally write things like this for my blog, but this really bugged me and I had to get it off my chest.
Great post, this is stuff I don’t know anything about. Now if someone brings this topic up I’ll have something helpful to say.
Thank you so much for writing this! When my hubs was deployed for the first time we had a conversation via Skype (between broken connections) about how his mom and sister were writing emails with most of these int them. Mostly blaming me for him not contacting. It’s been 4 years and its still the first thing we hear when there is family drama.
I’m sorry you have to go through that Ashley. Sometimes being the spouse makes you the easy target, sometimes that’s how I felt anyway. Stay strong, you know the truth and I’m pretty sure your husband does too.
Hi Mary,
This is great information. However, it DOES get discouraging when I’m always the one writing and get nothing in response. I know my soldier tries, but is it okay to take a break (a week or so) from writing? I have been completely positive in my emails; sometimes I get tired of writing about myself without any response/feedback. I know he’s busy/tired/stressed/etc. but it’s hard on me, too (hope that doesn’t sound selfish). He is a friend, not a boyfriend or spouse, but a very close friend.
Honestly, part of me is worried about our next conversation because I’m afraid I will say the wrong things. I also don’t like talking about myself; I’d rather hear what he’s up to, but I understand that a lot of times soldiers don’t like to talk about what they’re experiencing there. I just don’t want to screw up.
Maybe if you can provide more topics of conversation, that would help. I would hate not having anything to talk about.
I care about my soldier a lot; but I’m feeling very discouraged.
Thanks for your help.
Hi Ariel!
You are a blessing for being so involved in a soldiers life! Your friend is lucky to have you. It does get daunting to write letter after letter. I see no reason why you couldn’t take a week or so off, the topics do start to run short when you are frequently writing. Maybe switch to writing just a couple of times a month. Instead of just writing about yourself specifically, maybe try writing some letters that are about new upcoming movies, music, video games, or anything else your solider enjoys. They usually don’t have time to keep up on those kinds of things, so that can help too. With the holidays approaching, now is a good time to write about upcoming plans as well as some ideas on how to celebrate with your friend next year. Sometimes looking to the future is a great way to build topics because the possibilities are endless. Also, if you don’t want to write a letter all the time, maybe send a care package once every month or two. You can put fun things in there, themed items, whatever you want. I once sent my husband a 5 pound bag of Jolly Ranchers. He shared them with everyone and they loved it! Sometimes it just takes getting a little creative. Even writing a list to remind them why you’re friends. Maybe 101 crazy things we’ll do when you get back, or 101 reasons I’m glad you’re in my life. Things like that can make them laugh and keep their spirits up. Good luck, and don’t burn yourself out. That’s the last thing your friend will want. I hope this helps!
~Mary
Thanks for your reply, Mary. I’m happy to report that communication has greatly improved in the past couple of weeks. My soldier has called a couple of times, emailed once or twice, and sent me a quick text here and there. And you know what he said in his phone call and email? “Thank you so much for staying in touch with me.” If anyone else out there reads this, it DOES mean a lot to the soldier to write him/her, even if they don’t write back.
Our relationship is a bit complicated (we have feelings for each other but can’t be anything more than friends), so I’m still not sure about the care package. Right now, I feel uncomfortable; as if that should be left to a girlfriend (although he is currently single) or his mom or another relative. I have a few ideas of things I would like to send him. Those flat-rate boxes are so big, and I can’t possibly think of things to fill them up. I feel silly asking him what kind of body wash he would like. Plus, he told me that there are leftover hygiene stuff from previous units’ care packages. I’ll just keep asking him if he needs anything until he tells me specifics.
And I feel awful about this; I am guilty of #6 above. I’ve mentioned to him pre-deployment that he’s changed and things aren’t the same as they used to be. I think we’re over it, and maybe he wasn’t offended. He actually told me that his feelings for me stayed the same, although maybe he knew he had changed (to prepare for his deployment). That’s why I don’t ever want to screw up in the future. And yes, this is the first time dealing with a loved one being deployed.
Thank you for the compliment; it makes me feel like I’m doing something right by being there for my friend. He means so much to me.
Thanks again for your ideas, suggestions, and feedback. And thanks for this post 🙂
Hi Ariel,
I can totally related to your situation. I am starting to get a little discourage myself, but reading your comment made me feel better. I have a friend and our relationship is exactly like your’s. My question is, how long did it take before for start receiving responses after your first letter?
Katrina, when it comes to deployment and communication, it all depends on where they are, what their mission is, how busy they are and a little bit of personality. Some people hear back within a month (mail service can be slow, so response back and forth can take some time to travel if it’s regular mail). Some people never hear back. It can be discouraging if you don’t hear back, just know in most cases they want to respond, but they aren’t getting much down time or they don’t know what to write due to OPSEC. Stay positive and know you are helping them pass the time and reminding them there are people still thinking about them!
Thanks for the great tips. I can’t believe people actually write those things!!!
I just signed up to “adopt” a soldier through a military support organization. So I’ll be sending letters and care packages and such, but to someone I’ve never met. Could you (or your husband) offer any ideas on what a soldier would/would not like to receive from someone they don’t know well? I do know what some of his practical needs are, so I’m mostly referring to the content of letters and little things I might send just as morale-boosters.
Is it possible to over-thank them for their service? I want to let my soldier know how much I appreciate what he does, but without embarrassing him.
Any suggestions you can provide would be hugely appreciated! Thanks 🙂
Thanks Rachel! I’m so glad you’re adopting a soldier. Trust me, you can never thank them enough. They may be a bit modest, but a flood of thanks is always a great way to put a smile on their face, which is a huge gift you could send them. My husband suggests items like trail mix, hard candies, jerky and other non-perishable food. Travel toothpaste, shampoos, toothbrushes, shave cream. He says toilet paper is needed, however many soldiers can’t shower daily so the wet towelettes or wet wipes are a good thing to send them. Paperback books might be a good thing. If they don’t care for it, they’ll just share it with other soldiers who will. If you know where they are from, sending them a hometown newspaper might be a nice touch. Games like cards, UNO or even send along some poker chips. Work out videos might even be something they might be interested in.
Things you can write to the soldier are endless, just take a moment to sit down and think about your life for a bit and the things they might be missing out on. Tell them about you, your family, your pets, your job, what household chores are you looking forward too…which ones not so much. Do you have a favorite restaurant? Send them a list of your favorite positive/motivational quotes. Tell them a story about something funny that happened to you recently or even in the past. It’s up to you how detailed you want to get since you’ve never met them, but hearing about life in general around the States is always a good thing. Do you cook? Tell them about your favorite recipes, maybe even send some of your favorite recipes in the letter so they can take them home and try them out later.
Good luck and happy writing! Remember, if they can write they will, but don’t expect a reply. Often they are extremely busy…but it doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate what you’re sending 🙂
Mary, thank you so much to you and your husband!! This is my first time adopting a soldier and I don’t want to inadvertently say something hurtful! 🙂 They do so much… I feel a 100 times better now after reading the tips you posted.
I’ve been able to write to my soldier a couple of times now, as well as sending a package, and while I do feel sort of silly just rambling on about random things in my life, I think it’s going well.
Thanks again! 🙂
Also, please tell your husband THANK YOU from me for his service 🙂
I’m sure your soldier LOVES to hear about what’s going on in your life. It’s probably a nice break from the deployment. Don’t forget, you can always ask your soldier if there is anything they want to hear about. Maybe a TV show, sports scores or something else they are interested in. You never know 🙂 Thanks for keeping our troops in your thoughts, that’s one of the things that keeps them going when it gets tough; knowing there are people out there who care.
Anyone have any suggestions on notebook ideas for saving my son’s letters? He just left us on 22 June and I’m already getting letters that I want to preserve. Any suggestions are welcome!
What type of preservation are you thinking? Archival preservation? Scrapbooking? You could keep them in a binder with page protectors. Are you keeping the envelopes too? Maybe create a booklet of them and bind them. Office stores will usually bind things for you. Tell him thank you for us! I’ll think happy thoughts for him for an entertaining, yet uneventful deployment.
Any way you can keep them is awesome! If you really want to get specific, purchase an “acid free” box to store them in, like any kind of scrapbooking box. My mom kept all my letters and postcards from when I was in the army, and after she died those letters came back to me. I didn’t even realize she had kept them! I can’t tell you how much it meant to me that she held onto my letters all that time. And now I cherish what I wrote because even tho it seemed mundane at the time, I love having those memories now.
I can’t imagine loading a soldier up with guilt, I think they have enough on their minds. Sometimes people can be so self absorbed they do not possess the ability to look beyond themselves. However, this is no excuse for making a soldier feel bad. I think some people get hung-up on what they think is proper instead of what is right.
My son is a soldier and I try to write him often. I stay stocked-up on funny cards, which he loves. If I don’t have a lot to say one day, or I am feeling blue about his absence I have something positive send him. He has enough on his mind, he doesn’t need to worry about me or any of us back here at home.
I don’t want to distract my boy from his work, it could mean life or death, maybe that is what we all need to remember when we are feeling dejected.
You’re so right Rebecca! Thank you to your son for his service, and thank you for all you are doing on the home front. It’s never easy when we have a soldier deployed. I love that you’re doing your best to help keep his spirits up. Sounds like he has an awesome mom. He’s lucky and I hope he gets to come home soon to smile with you, face to face.
I am a veteran so I would like to adopt a soldier that I can write to. Veterans are so important to me since I come from a family of veterans. I thank all of my fellow veterans for all they do and hope that you all come home soon. God Bless all of you.
This helped so much, thanks for all the tips!
A few months ago i met a man who is a soldier. We havent really spent alot of time together because of both our job situations, but enough to know there are definately feelings.
He just left the country for a mission and will be gone a couple of months. He said i could email but might not reply right away, depending on the net. I’ve been wondering what to write because of our situation since i’m more than just a friend but not yet a girlfriend. But reading all of your posts has helped alot. I understand that i cant ask about his work, but should i should i take the opportunity to Ask more about him? For example his family, and other things to get to know him even better? There are grounds like that we havent coveret yet. Or should my emails just be about everyday life for me at gome and letting him know i miss him etc? Grateful for any response:)
Hi Monica, I see absolutely no problems in writing to get to know him better, however make sure you balance that by answering every question you ask him in the same letter you ask the question. So, if you ask about his family, tell him about yours. Also, I would make sure you acknowledge that you know he may not have the time or internet access to respond, so if he can’t, then you can put in a reminder that you look forward to him coming home to answer all the questions he’s comfortable answering with you in person. It will make sure he knows you understand if he can’t respond right away and lets him off the hook for feeling guilty if he can’t write. It gives him a chance to get to know you better and keep his mind off things. And, it would also give him something to look forward to when he comes home. Give him a good balance and I think everything will be great! Just remember to keep writing even if he’s not responding. Sounds like you already know it’s going to be because of time or access if he doesn’t respond. Good luck on your relationship!
This really helped me alot! This is my boyfriends 4th tour but this is my first time being with him on this tour so thank you
I’m glad I could help!
Hi,
I’m a teacher in the UK and this week we are going to be writing letters to send to soldiers through a charitable organisation. Could you possibly give me some suggestions that a class of 9 year olds can write in their letters? Many thanks x
What an awesome project! I love it!
My suggestions for the kids would be to have them tell the soldiers a bit about themselves. Things they enjoy, books they like to read, television shows they are watching. They could tell them about what they want to do with their lives when they get older, their favorite foods, favorite animals. They could write a story for the soldier, include pictures they draw and color. Of course, they can thank the soldiers if they want to, which is always a great thing, and they can help the soldiers think about coming home by telling them if they were designing their welcome home party, this is what they would include in it (I’m sure the children would have some great ideas about what a welcome home party would be like and that would really lift the soldiers spirits.) They can ask questions, but it’s not always easy for the soldiers to write back, so I’d make sure the students know there is a good chance they won’t receive a letter back, but it’s always nice to ask questions if they want to.
I love that you’re doing this project. I hope these ideas help!
Thank you so much for your reply Mary – extremely useful! I’m looking forward to it as much as my class are!! I think it is so important for our children to know what is going on in our world. Our topic is different countries round the world and we’re currently doing Afghan – I think it’s vital kids learn the bad as well as the good and our soldiers are such heroes for what they do. I believe children should know about war and why the soldiers are risking their lives for us. This is just a small way for them to understand and say thank you!!
Absolutely. If we don’t teach our children about both ends of the spectrum they won’t be getting a true world vision. We, as a world population, are working together to make this world a better place for everyone. If we don’t let our children know what still needs to change, we can’t tap into their amazing creative spirit, motivation to change the world, or innovative ideas to make this world a better place. I’m excited for them, and this is a great project for current events, world culture, and in a way, creative writing. You really do have to get creative when writing to someone you don’t know. I love your teaching philosophy. You’re making a difference in our world. Thank YOU for that *hugs*
In a few months my fiancé will deploy for the 4th time, but it’s a first experience for me.
I am slowly learning what military love life is really all about, and honestly I don’t know how I will handle this deployment because I really don’t know much of what to expect. This article really did help! Thanks so much
I’m glad it helped Amanda! I have some ideas for some follow up posts to this one, so watch for them (you can subscribe on the side bar so you don’t miss them if you want). Also, if you ever have any questions or just want to talk about dealing with military love life without making it public like this, feel free to shoot me an email. I’ve been through 2 full deployments (18months and 1 year) and multiple months where he’s been gone for various military reasons. I’d be happy to be in your support circle. Stay strong!
Loved reading this, even though I do not have any loved ones serving. However, I had heard there were programs where you could write a soldier, an unknown soldier, are you familiar? I’d love to be able to send someone a nice letter, maybe some that do not have family for whatever reason. If you are aware of such a program, please respond. Thank you
Hi Ellie, keep an eye on this post! I’ll be responding again. There are some programs out there, however I know some are better than others and some may not be active anymore. Give me a week or so to do some research to give you some good resources. I also have a blog post in the works I’m hoping to publish soon, and I’ll be including some of these links when I find them as well! If you want to make sure you don’t miss the blog post, make sure you subscribe (up on the menu tabs at the top, in the side bar, or on the bottom of any post. I make it easy, lol). Or, just watch your email for a notification that I responded to you again. This is a crazy busy week in our household, so I know I won’t get to it until later this week or next week, but I will get back to you! It’s on my to do list! Thanks for reading Living a Sunshine Life. I appreciate it!
Adopt a US Soldier is a fantastic organization! They’ll match you with a specific soldier and help you make a connection so you can determine what your soldier prefers to receive.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for this posting! This is very different then most of the deployment advice out there & very realistic to understanding the mind of the soldier. This has helped me a lot with what to say and not to say during pre-deployment. My boyfriend deployed a couple days ago and he’s the kind of guy who likes to go with worst case senario so that there are lowered expectations. Basically he warned that I may not hear a peep from him for 6mos and he would rather not have the attention of letters and care packages. He just wants to go out there disconnect him self and do his job. I’m going to honor those wishes for a bit, but I would like to send something to him. Would you recommend keeping with his request and send nothing or would you think, like me, that a little love here and there couldn’t hurt?
Hi Renee, I’m glad you liked this post! You know him best, so you have a better idea if he would appreciate a couple letters within that time frame or if he’s just the kind of guy who would receive the letter, and set it aside for a few months until he’s mentally ready to read it. Everyone is different so it’s hard to say! Some ideas to help you out though: What about photographs? He may not be mentally ready for a letter showing up, but what about a picture of you holding a sign up saying “thinking of you” or “I love you.” Maybe do a theme of photo letters like this with friends and family. It reminds him you’re all here without the pressure of needing to respond or even to think too much about reading a letter. Another idea is to write him as often as you normally would want to, but don’t send the letters right away. Date each one as you write, but wait and send them in bulk or give him those letters when he returns home. It might be a great way for him to decompress while reading some great thoughts. It lets him know you were thinking about him all that time. I hope these idea help, or inspire you to come up with a creative way to meet your need of connecting with him during a time when it’s difficult to connect. Thank you for taking the time to comment, and please let me know if you have any other thoughts or questions! I’m not an expert, but I’m always willing to talk.
Great post! I stumbled across this on Pinterest. 🙂 My beloved boyfriend is a naval aviator, and when he’s on the boat I like to make sure I don’t tell him anything that he can’t do anything about. And like you mentioned, lots and lots of pictures! If I’m sick, or if the dog needs to go to the vet, or the car breaks, he just feels helpless and any added stress from home is the last thing he needs. I talk about where we want to go when he comes home and takes leave, or a new recipe I think he’ll love. My car broke and I completely dismantled it and sent him a picture. He felt like he was being kept in the loop, but he’s also reassured that I’m ok. At least he thinks I’m ok. I don’t tell him about the special “first cry” bottle of wine I always have on reserve for when that first cry happens. 😉
I still remember my first cry! My first cry lasted at least a week, maybe longer. Anything and everything set me off. One thing I like to highlight is while it’s recommended to not share those challenges your soldier can’t help with at the time, find a great social support network. Friends and family are great, but it’s also important to find other military significant others/friends/family to talk to. The military connections are the ones who really get what you’re going through, and when you do have these challenges let them help you through the stress while you’re handling it. It really does make a big difference. During my husband’s first deployment I sort of went at it somewhat alone and it was tough. Absolutely worth establishing some support circles early on.
Thank you for the information, my husband just deployed with 200 other soldiers, I created a support group for them and their families. We are having our first letter writing event in two weeks, your site has been very helpful. Thank you for supporting the troops, and being the “force behind the force”
I love that you are doing a letter writing event! That is such a great idea. I wish our unit did something like that, but we didn’t get together much. I was the family readiness leader during my husband’s first deployment. We had monthly meetings, but it was difficult because the soldier’s families were spread all across the state and it was difficult to get everyone involved. For those who did participate they said they loved getting together with other families, and for those who couldn’t, they loved knowing we were active and they could come if they needed/wanted to. Keep being a support for each other, deployment is a beast like no other. 🙂
Ladies this is something new to me with being with an soldier. We met online and it’s been good so far and our feelings are involved a lot more than realized. He asked to marry him. And the type of person that I have become to know in would tell him no. He puts a smile on my face every time we talk. He makes it his business to communicate with me through every break that they receive. I was afraid to fall in live with him because of past experiences with online dating. But with him I feel the sincerity in his heart for me and my kids. I do love him and I do think about the things not to say that will make him think different about our relationship. I make it a point to speak very positive about his career and keep him motivated to continue tell he is ready to take a leave. I enjoyed reading everyone’s responses and it really is going to help me more to help him. Thanks ladies!!
Let me rephrase my comment… I wouldn’t tell no.
I am so so glad I ran into this. My boyfriend is in the Navy, and sometimes I find it had when I don’t hear from him. I often tell him what’s going on with me, and how my day is going but I try not to ask much about what’s going on on the ship. He definitely doesn’t like it, I try not to mention it. He’s not as expressive through an email or a text as he is in person so I’ve learned to say the right things. I think I’m be ready for our first deployment next year. I would love some advice on how to deal with it before he’s gone… Any thoughts?
My advice is to make sure you have a support system, friends, family, other family members of the deployed unit. Find out where the support groups are for family members of deployed troops (off base meetings, or if you have a way on base you should be able to attend even if you’re not married), and attend those. Remember that everyone handles things differently, but for me the best advice I was ever given is yes, it’s going to be hard, but you can be the victim or the victor. You can throw yourself a pity party when things get tough and be a victim, or you can rise above it and take control of the things you can control and be victorious in the situation. I used that advice during deployment, then again through many tough situations in my life. You’ve got this! If you need anything else, feel free to email me and I’ll do my best to help you find the resources you need in your area.
hi there i also need help i have a soldier friend I dont even know what to talk or write about he always ask me about my work and my kids, if I try to ask him about training or life at the camp he changes the subject
There are some fun ideas in this sister post I wrote to this one: https://livingasunshinelife.com/writing-letters-to-soldiers-friends-and-family/ You might find some inspiration there. It’s not uncommon for soldiers to not want to talk about what they are doing, in some cases they can’t talk about it for OPSEC. They are in a stressful situation and they want to hear about the real world out there, not rehash their life on base or on the field. Though, maybe once they are home you can learn more about it, I know I always wanted to know more, but didn’t get more details until after my husband had been home for awhile and had a chance to unwind and reintegrate back into our family life. Talk about his hobbies or interests, talk about your hobbies and interests. Keep a notebook with you and jot down random funny thoughts that come to your mind, then share some of them with him. If you watch TV, give him some insights into your favorite shows. If he’s the outdoor kind, maybe find some articles that would interest him, read them, then talk about the, or ask him questions to clarify something, especially if it’s a topic you don’t know much about. Use your conversations to remind him that even though he’s a soldier, there is a lot more about him than just that and that’s the stuff you want to connect with. I know it’s tough, but I’m sure he appreciates all of the conversations 🙂
That is a great post.
I recently met a guy I really like. I only met him a few times but felt a connection and he is now in pre-employment training and getting deployed in a couple of weeks and I feel so hopeless because I developed feelings for him and have anxiety about staying in touch or if I’ll hear from him at all while he’s deployed. I only get messages from him maybe once a week so I have no control over communication and afraid that it will get so much worse when he leaves and he will break my heart. Reading your post helped understanding what to expect and I think that the fact that I’m unsure about the relationship before he’s leaving is the worse part for me right now.
Thank you for the tips and I hope that this guy will make the effort to stay in touch with me so I use these tips when we communicate after he’s deployed. I would love to be there to support him and send him care packages and letters.
Good luck! It’s especially tough with a new relationship because that relationship bond hasn’t fully been built there. If you really care about him send him those letters and care packages, even if you’re not sure which direction the relationship is headed or if you don’t hear back from him much. I’m sure he’ll appreciate them no matter what. I wish you all the best!!!
Thank you for responding. I guess this is all new and confusing to me right now and I don’t know what to think of it.
I would like to stay in touch and send him packages and nice stuff but don’t know if he will get in touch with me or send me the APO address. I’ve been trying to ask him for at least his email and can’t even get that. I feel like he’s in lust with me but he’s not losing sleep over it like I do and I guess I just want not to feel these things right now but I can’t help it. I even made a nice drawing of him in his uniform with his puppy and sent that to him and he really liked it but he’s never really engaging me in conversation like we did when we were in person and he’s always just texting. I understand that it could be the stress and schedule of training and him leaving soon but just confusing as hell. I suppose there isn’t a way to find where someone is based or how to send them packages without them giving it to you or knowing their family…
You’re right, you won’t be able to get that information without him giving it to you, and depending on his mission, he may be moving frequently so his address may change while he’s there. My suggestion is to let him know you’d like to send him some things while he’s deployed and ask his thoughts on it. Directly ask him if he wants you to send things or if he just wants to focus on the mission. I know I always wanted to send my husband care packages, but he never wanted them because he didn’t need anything! Every soldier has a different outlook, so I’d put it in his ballpark and find out directly what his thought are on it. Just let him know you want to support him in a way that is right for him, so if he doesn’t want letters or care packages, you’re okay with that too. If he doesn’t want letters/care packages and you know you’ll see him when he gets back you can always write to him in a blank journal, then give it to him when he gets back. Then you get the benefit of writing and doing your part to connect and support, and he get’s what he feels he needs by focusing on the mission (if that’s his decision).
Thank you so much for your advice and the understanding. I have hinted before that I would like to stay in touch and be there for him when he leaves if he gets lonely, but he’s giving me mixed messages and I’m starting to wonder if I was just a time filler for him while he was training over here and maybe I scared him away when I confessed how I feel.
I never know if he’s not talking to me much because he really is that busy and stressed or because he simply doesn’t care enough to. I think that there are a couple more weeks of training before he leaves so I think I might just give him some space and when time gets closer I’ll just send him my details and leave it in his hands if he wishes to get in touch while he’s there.
Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond to my comments 🙂
Funny enough, I was reading through Pinterest trying to get an idea of what I’d like to write about on my blog when I revamp it. I have a lot of ideas but I felt I needed to see what else was out there! This caught my eye and, funny enough, it’s the post that I believe you told me about on a Facebook group. Ironic!
Anyway, I love, love, love this. I would love to link to your article and write my own addition to it, or, if you prefer, would you like to revamp and reword it as a guest post? I’m not sure how these things are done since I’m still a newer blogger, so if this is a major faux pas feel free to call me out 😉
Haha, I told you this was a popular post, and yes, it’s the very same one I told you about! I’d rather keep this post the way it is instead of rewriting it because I do have some sentimental attachment to it, but I’d love for you to link to it and add your own commentary on your post. I’ll even shout out your post when it’s done! This post was made to be shared and I love the amazing reception it’s received over the years. So yes, please link to it!
Yay, I can’t wait! I’ll absolutely do that. 🙂 So funny that I found it on my own!
This actually helped me, but not in a letter. I’ve noticed a lot of active military specifically use Skype. I’ve recently known two Marines and an Airman. They all use Skype and just keep their names without display pics.
I’d connected with an Airman a couple months ago. We’d only talked for a week, but the chemistry was so obvious, you’d think we were in a RomCom. But thanks to Corona, he deployed early, and we never got to move forward. Even though I know enough about the situation where he’s at, I feel I made a small mistake of pointing out that it’d been a month since we talked. The kicker here is that he was told he’d have full access outside work. From what I understand, he does in fact get time outside work, and he’s not in a crazy zone. So, my assumptions were understandable. I asked other active yet stateside guys, and they told me I was fine… still feel bad though, lol.
But I feel this helped me in my most recent reply. We can’t more forward, and both of us hate that. But, I decided to focus on the fact that if we had chemistry before, it’ll be there later, and for now I’m wishing him well. He doesn’t want to be short with me whenever he sends a Skype text, but I assured him that it’s fine. If it’s a positive impulse, go for it. And then I made sure he knew I was okay. He was sweet and asked me if I was fine, no corona or anything. I know he loves steak, so I taunted him with how I’m having steak so much lately. With everything going on, I nearly forgot that he always enjoyed cutting up with me. So thanks for reminding me that I know how to make him laugh.
We may not have had a long time together, but he and I both said that it felt as if we’d known each other for months. It’ll still be awhile before we can resume progress, but maybe this is good for now. I met him when I’d giving up on romance, so maybe this is time to I can use to grow and heal from semi recent hurt.
Being a new soldier, myself, I have a soft spot with hearing from the ones I love when I am away even though I have not deployed before. When the Coronavirus pandemic first broke out while I still in AIT, a captain made a serious announcement to us before dinner chow after a soldier tested positive for the virus when they returned to Fort Leonard Wood and what is going to happen for us in the coming weeks if more Covid19 cases on the base continued to rise: The Fort Leonard Wood base was going to be shut off to friends and family who wish to travel there for AIT and Basic Training graduations of their soldiers. And people already in Fort Leonard Wood were not to leave the base if it does shut down. All the active duty soldiers in our AIT training class were going to have to be held in Fort Leonard Wood until further notice before they could ship out to their next duty station instead of leaving on April 16, the day we graduated. Then the Captain told us that all these cautionary measures were in place to protect us soldiers from getting the virus and preventing more covid19 cases from breaking out in Fort Leonard Wood. He also told us which states are shut down due to excessive outbreaks of the virus in those states. Alot of us soldiers were impacted by this pandemic especially those whose loved ones at the homefront resided in one of the states that shut down like California, Georgia, Florida due to so many Covid19 outbreaks in those states. I could imagine how heavily that weighed on them including myself even though the state where my family resides was not yet shut down which is Missouri. At dinner chow, we were discussing our thoughts and feelings about the situation to our 1st Sergeant, the Battalion Commander after he asked us were we okay. I got emotional about it and cried. Knowing that I only have one parent left, the surviving one Mom, I was hoping she didn’t get it. Back in May 2019 I was early in the enlistment process into the Army National Guard when my dad passed away last year from terminal illness. He was in a nursing home for a few years after falling victim to a knockout game in the spring of 2012. Even though I did not really have a relationship with him, I still allowed myself to grieve and mourn the loss long before I shipped out for Basic Training on November 13, 2019. I just knew I wanted to phone home that evening after the Captain’s safety briefing and dinner chow. I was glad our 1st Sergeant suggested that we can call our loved ones back at home that Wednesday evening and check up on them even though we were allowed to keep our phones only on the weekends. Much to my surprise, our drill sergeants/higher-ups approved the idea and let us call our families. I felt so much better hearing from my mom and sisters back at home. I thought that was nice for them to do that for us. Then another time my sister and I exchanged snapchat videos on the weekends. I almost cried when I got special videos of my toddler niece and sister telling me to stay safe and that she missed me. Got me almost teary eyed with that lump sensation in throat feeling I get when I am getting ready to cry. I sent a video of me replying back to them while trying So Hard not to tear up. I thanked them in the video and said I missed them too and can’t wait to see them again. I can’t let toddler niece see me get sad.
Thank you for sharing your story! The pandemic has been tough on so many people, but I think the shelter in place can hit soldiers even worse. My husband did a training at Fort Leonard Wood a few years ago. He’s Army Guard as well here in Nebraska. He was only there for a month, and could have come home on the weekends because we were within driving distance, but he didn’t and I missed him like crazy! He’s been deployed twice over seas, but sometimes the trainings stateside, that take him away for a month or so can be even harder because I know he’s closer and I just can’t see him! I hope you’ve been able to see your family again, since commenting. Family is so important, and it sounds like you have a wonderful group to go home to.
Yeah. I am back home now and thank God I can see my family again. So far I enjoy my new unit. I am still unsure of what to expect during the pandemic. And I am uncertain of what the future will hold throughout this pandemic. One soldier in Fort Leonard wood tried to attempt suicide by jumping out the window after our class graduated and moved on to our respective duty stations. Sometimes the love of someone is so strong that it is hard to be away from them for long periods of time for days on out to months at a time. And some people cry when they miss their loved one. I had moments when I cried when I missed family back at home.
I’m glad you’re back home. Being around the ones you love definitely makes things better. Hearing these stories about our troops breaks my heart. I’ve always tried to do my best to be there for my husband, especially in the early days of his military career and during deployments. I remember a message from him on the answering machine (that dates me, doesn’t it, lol) when he was in basic and he was so upset I wasn’t answering the phone when I was supposed to be there. I could hear the need for connection to loved ones in his voice. As for me, unfortunately I was in the laundry room packed in with all the other apartment tenants due to a tornado plowing through our area. I was also upset I missed his call, but he had no idea why I did so that made things worse. When I say thank you for your service, I absolutely mean it. I’ve witnessed the pain and sacrifice, so it’s not just a passing comment. I really do appreciate your service and all you’ve sacrificed emotionally, mentally, and physically.